You might have heard, “Pain is inevitable, suffering is optional.” a quote attributed to many including Haruki Murakami, Dalai Lama and Buddha
If suffering is optional, and if we are choosing it, that brings up two questions:
- Why do we choose to suffer? and
- How to stop choosing to suffer?
Let’s dive into these two questions.
The difference between pain and suffering.
Pain is the physical hurt you experience in your body. Or emotional hurt that you feel when something doesn’t go the way you expect it to.
For example, you gave a job interview and expect to clear it, unfortunately, the results don’t go in your favour.
This will evoke some emotional hurt in you. This is what we call pain. It is caused by a need or expectation not getting met.
Now, if you start blaming yourself for not being good enough. OR blame the interviewer for not being fair, this will intensify and prolong your hurt.
Such hurt that is born as a result of your thinking is called suffering. It is caused by your interpretation of reality.
Why do we choose to suffer?
We seldom make a conscious choice to suffer.
However, it often becomes easier to suffer than take responsibility.
For example, it is often easier to stay in a meaningless job/relationship than make it work or call it quits.
Here, the person is unconsciously choosing to suffer by staying in their comfort zone.
In essence, we choose to suffer as a result of avoiding discomfort. The discomfort we avoid might be a truth that is unpleasant. Or an emotion that is vulnerable.
How to stop choosing to suffer?
We can choose not to suffer only if we identify the ways in which we choose suffering.
Here are some ways you choose suffering:
1. You resist your emotion
2. You believe in a thought that’s not true
3. You focus on actions that are beyond your control
You can stop choosing to suffer by reversing these actions. Here is what you could do instead:
1. Feel your emotions: Allow your breath to reach your belly. Notice the physical sensation present with the emotion, and allow it to exist.
2. Question your belief: Write down the opposite of your belief and notice if there is any bit of truth in it. (be open, curious and playful)
3. Take action: Take the most straightforward action that is within your control.
The key challenge is to catch yourself slipping into your suffering patterns. Once you catch yourself, the above steps can help you return to your innate peace and calmness.
The most common expressions of suffering are complaints and self-victimisation. So anytime you notice yourself doing either of the two, take a pause and focus on the three steps mentioned above.
May you set yourself free from suffering:)
